So there I was thinking that, Madrid, 4 days gonna be so cool, then I had a
brain wave , little sis is 40 this month,that would be a nice thing to do,and
so it seemed as Mini Molly tagged along
with me and J to sunny Madrid, fucking sunny Madrid ,fucking 26 degrees Madrid,
where the fuck did that come from. My only concern was that I hadn’t packed
shorts and couldn’t be bothered to repack, ginger J had more pressing concerns;
of the fuck this is gonna fry me to a crisp no sun cream concerns, mini molly
just grinned a lot and licked the windows as we passed them.
Met up with Molls at the airport as J had decided that he
hadn’t had any cock from Stansted so went from there instead, a couple of beers
in the airport, well I did Molls had a half a shandy and complained that she
was pissed already, she fucked off for a fag and non smoking yeah read it
bitches non smoker me went through and waited for easyjets finest to get us to
where we were going, this they duly managed and there was young J all cocked
out and waiting for us, didn’t even go
through customs just sat at the bottom of the stairs like an unwanted step
child. Fortunately I had pre warned him that mini Molly was on the war path,
not only had EJ made her check her bag due to space issues they only went and
let the 4 guys a dozen back in the queue take theirs on. That was enough for
the girl from Ash to remember said fact and she unleashed a tirade of filth and
abuse onto twitter world, only to receive that condescending reply that EJ was
sorry for fuck all and hoped it hadn’t ruin her flight, her flight ,J and I will be getting this shit for
four days. Any ways picked up bag and allowed her to cool off as we made way to
the metro and grabbed tickets to our new place of abode, Sunny Sol, or as now
the corporate whores have got hold of it….sunny Vodaphone Sol. What a crock of
shite we going to get Soho sponsored by durex now or maybe UKIP want to put
their name on Tower Hamlets .
I digress, hotel was invaded showers abused and town hit,
and when I say hit , it was a fucking train wreck when we retired there was a
dancing a plenty as Molls showed off her best Egyptian moves, J was chucking a fine groove and I was
swaying from the alcohol being consumed, mix this in with Tapas, Daisy Duke’s
rather fine derrière-more and I mean a fucking lot more about that later and it
was obviously going to be a great if rather messy affair, mix this in with the
ripped doormat inside the pub and cheering people on as they tripped over it
was a tad cruel but Oh so fucking hilarious, not really sure how or where we
ended up as we wandered around the backstreets of Sol, but we had establish a
mean group of bars, well up for anything, affectionately known as dead Cow(had
one stuffed in the bar), butchers( about 500 pig legs hanging from the ceiling,
plastic(Albanian owned Paddy pub) and the lesbian bar( rather fetching mosaic
kind of pictures on wall of naked women and skeletons. Death and shagging
always going to be popular with me and the barmaid had me in a lot of trouble
found her rather fetching), no idea how we got home or what time but can assure
it was fair to say the next morning we were hanging..breakfast was not a pretty
sight.
Hit the streets after breakfast and J was immediately in
trouble, this ginger was not gonna make the evening, we had to get him cream,
which we did, duly smothered we wandered down Grand Via and hit the Prado, lost
Molls after the first room, caught up with her later not sure what they thought
of it, but hey I was the only one with a plan , they can follow …or not , though to be fair it did tend to change on
an hourly basis and tonights was to watch a banjo man band we had seen
advertised on the net, so off we set 8 ish to this club only to be told come
back in a couple of hours as no one here yet, so we roamed the streets like
scallywags of yesteryear all dressed up and nowhere to go, think we ended up at
the Royal palace and meandered around there for a bit , deciding on where to
eat was a bit torturous, have to admit I thought we were far enough from the
tourist area for something good but no, average food, wine ok ox tail was
passable but that was all paella looked crap and the presentation on the lamb
was well, bollox.The bill came over and had, 6 euro for bread on it , do I need
to go on, do I ? No, I think you get the picture, Molls felt guilty at picking
that one so gallantly stood the bill.Anyway we toddled off in the general
direction of Sol and found a street we recognised and made our way up to the
club, at this point Molls had hit the wall and there was no second wind and she
bailed, Banjo man would have to forgo her presence tonight, Me and J hit the club (Costello after the great man
himself, top of Calle de la Montera). Our timings were spot on for a
change…..see lose the chick and everything goes like clockwork and 5 minutes
later we were watching the band (Tom’s Cabin) apparently the drummer is well
fit, but was hidden from my view by the singer , smashed that for an hour and
made our way back to the backstreets around the Hotel , but then we bumped into
Daisy Duke and that ass, shit have no idea how to describe it other that to say
that mini Molly was impressed with it, last nights attire was a jean short
thing, tonight she was on fire in what I can only think was a thong, maybe shes
had plastic surgery on and it was part of the deal to display her work as often
as possible, but its fair to say that I could of watched that for a while , but
it was only midnight and there was drinking to be done . So hit the cow bar and
free feed for a couple then onto plastic only to find the fuckers had put
another doormat on top to cover the rip and there was to be no tripping up and raucous
laughter from our table tonight, but the wheat beer was fine ,the sports was on
and a few of the sights were of a daring nature .
Saturday was match day so a walk in the Retiro Park and a trip to the Berna beu was on the
agenda, obviously after yet another late night we were behind on the timings
and did not get to the park till midday , a pleasant afternoon spent strolling
around there and then back to the hotel, I say a stroll it was 4 hours later
that we got back, Molls is officially 2 inches shorter and no longer has to
worry about buying shoes as she is down to stumps now. Me and J went off to the
stadium to sample the atmosphere while Molls rested up and waited for her feet
to grow back. The ground is a bit special , unfortunately our hope of getting
tickets was far outweighed by the fact that we had no fucking chance of getting
them , reminds me of my love life, so we headed back to Sol to watch the game.
Eventually found a bar that wasn’t charging to get to, we
settled down and watched the first half , wandered off to another to watch the
second and returned to the hotel. Quick clean up and an hour later we were
hitting the bars again with Molls in tow, had a couple in the lesbian bar and
much to my enjoyment the cutie was there so had a couple of sangria’s and a beer and set off for food. I will be taking
all the credit for finding it , the three of us were fed and watered for less
then 30 euro,half of last nights bill and far better quality as well. Even
better was the fact that J was quite oblivious to the toilet paper stuck to his
shoe as he traipsed up and down the streets of Madrid, oh we did laugh.
We headed down to the dead cow bar ,where Molls being Molls
and from Ash proceeded to get glassed, no not really, some guy smashed one on
the counter by accident, Molls got covered in glass and J got covered in its
contents, my face was covered in a great big grin and it was a struggle to keep
the laughter to a minimum.
Molls bailed shortly after that and me and J hit the bars
again and went looking for daisy but to no avail she was no where to be found.
Sunday was planned, but apparently I am more fleeting than
the weather and we ended up at the indoor market ,Mercado San Miguel , lovely place and fair to say if me or mini
moll was more confident with our Spanish we would of sampled the numerous
eateries inside.
Anyway headed off to the outdoor market and it was big, but
same old same old. Had a mooch around then back to the room for a clean-up,
well I did the other two had two hours of social media to catch up on.
We had talked about getting to the Templo de Debod at sunset
as the views are supposed to be amazing but obviously keeping in the tune of
the weekend we were late and it was dark when we got there, a few mini pyramids
and an even smaller museum , but very
interesting a few photo shoots and then getting the kids in trouble as we tried
wall climbing and them being kids tried to emulate us.
Headed back for food at the same place as the night before,then
headed into the bars, Molls took an early one and J and I drank and said
farewell to the bars that had kept us amused for the 3 nights.With an early
flight we retired and caught our flights without any mishap what soever , even
with mini molls with us.
I had a great time and thoroughly enjoyed showing my
siblings around my favourite European city, so fuck you Nigel Farage. The only disappointment was finding out me
super strong non prescription painkillers are now prescription only, so no more
nights getting off my tits on two pills and a pint.
So until this summers road trip around the states, its
goodnight from me.
P.S. Mini Molly has a
thought or two so heres her take on our shenanigans…….
Well what an offer from big bro. Fancy 4 nights in Madrid
sis? being that your 40 and all that!
Chewed his fecking arm off,
course bruv I said...casually.
Met at Gatwick, me being there about 3 hours early, hogging
the smoking area. Expecting a call to say outside having a fag E...he fucking gave up smoking...again!!
That's me with the 500 metre dash in and out before departures.
Wont mention much
about them not letting me take my case on because the 3 cunts behind me were
obviously more important. The Spanish
girl freaking out was giving them enough grief anyway.
Seatbelts on off we go. 2 marmite rolls and a pack of haribo
later we land in Madrid. Ian knows his way so i followed in the style of one of
the seven dwarfs as this was obviously going to be the theme til Monday.
Great to see Jamie,
he's fully grown. Kept thinking i used to wipe his arse when he was a baby. Got
told off foe calling him gay on Facebook. Apparently this holds more weight coming from family.
Don't want to hog
Ians blog so i will try and keep this to a minimum.
Bags dumped, Tapas bae located. Unidentifiable tapas
ordered, we all thought the same but were polite enough not to say anything. 1 small
beer..then a second..that was me
done..giggling like a 15 year old on
20/20 outside the window running back and forth
throwing some moves to amuse the
boys. Hid round the corner to remove the snot bubbles that i was producing...had to keep it cool :)
needless to say it was a messy night but thoroughly enjoyable..
Museum next day worth hangover that hinges on sickness ar
any minute. I did well. Got to know the cafe inside out. Sat with head in hands
with American know it all knob jockey spouting how clever he was next to me.
The restraint in not telling him to fuck off to another table to loud boring
cunt admirable.
Think we met the aptly named daisy duke that night. Whether
she was on duty or just out i will never know. The boys had their tounges
firmly slapped onto their chest in awe of what i can only discribe as an arse i
would have bitten. We looked out for Daisy every night.
Conversations you shouldn't
have with your sister. .yep Ian is the winner, the line i drew was
crossed like a game of hop scotch. I
shall take them to my grave. I have no idea why he is single?
We were on the 3rd
floor so i took lift down each time. Jamie thought it hilarious to run down to
floor 2 to push the button before i got
there. Nice one J! Funny EVERY time.
Coffee was great. Slightly addicted by the time we left and
withdrawls by time i got home. Breakfast was pizza so i gave that a miss each
morning. Just watched the boys..don't
know how people do mornings.
Couple of tarts as well had to wait for them to get ready each night.
Plans...ian makes them and then changes them. End of quote.
Did loads, saw loads..legs slowly growing back from stumps.
Fantastic trip all
round and at a much needed time for me.
Cheers brothers. You
do me proud x
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